Social Etiquette Meets "Scary Train Boy"

I'm a commuter. I sit on a train for a total of 2 hours every day right along side all the 45 year old dads who think that I'm going to go back to college any day now, but 1.5 years later, I'm still there. It has been during these past 1.5 years in which I've learned that the train is by far the most interesting microcosm of human behavior and more specifically, the train is the best place to observe social etiquette, or the lack thereof.

For example, I have sat in the same seat in the same train car since I began commuting - last car, right side, 4th seat up. My fellow commuting comrades have marked their territory as well and we all do the same thing every morning knowing the "dos" and "donts" of the 6:34 am train. The man who sits a row in front of me pops open a diet coke like clock work as soon as he settles in. The woman to my left will always be working on her laptop and start packing it up as soon as we hit the second to last stop. I will have my nose buried in a book and close it once we pass a specific apartment building that has become my own personal landmark hinting that my destination is near. And no one talks. It is silent. You always know when a newbie gets on because they either are on their cell phone (a big no-no on the 6:34) or they try to strike up a conversation with their neighbor (aka - the morning kiss of death).

Every train has different etiquette and about a year ago, I took the 7:11 am and those "locals" were yuckin' it up, sharing donuts and stories, and to be honest, I was scared. I missed the silent, familiar faces of the 6:34 and feared that someone had already muscled their way into the last car, right side, 4th seat up, claiming it as their own (thankfully, I have resumed ownership).

So basically, every train has its own style, from my 6:34 library on wheels to the 7:11 mobile college party, that its riders adapt to making for a great National Geographic article - "Behaviors of Commuters in their Natural Habitat: The Metra". However, just as a lion disturbs a pack of gazelles, "Scary Train Boy" has forever disturbed my commuting surroundings and is THE epitome of someone who has no concept of train etiquette or just social etiquette and norms in general...

I was on my regular train back to the burbs (which happens to be a very mellow, quiet train, similar to my morning ride), minding my own business, listening to Justin Timberlake on my iPod (if I remember correctly, I was all about "SexyBack" at the time). It was unusually crowded on the train that day and just as I was ready to let JT serenade me and "take it to the chorus", I noticed that the 20 something guy who just sat down next me (later to be named, "Scary Train Boy") was asking me a question - now this where I SHOULD have left my headphones on and kept my train ride between me and Justin, but no, I'm not rude, so I take off my headphones and say, "excuse me?"

Now before I go any further, let me paint a picture for you - this "Scary Train Boy" is a little under 5 foot 5, has a gaming belly (aka - a beer belly not induced by alcohol, but by long afternoons of Xbox), long sideburns, tiny wired rimmed glasses and small, little rat teeth. Now mix that with the comic book store owner from the Simpsons and you can now picture him. Obviously, this isn't what I saw when he first starting talking to me because I'm not THAT judgemental and honestly, he just looked like an average nerd before he opened his mouth.

Anyway, as soon as "excuse me?" came out of my mouth, the next 60 minutes would be the most painful moments of my entire train riding experience. Long story short, "Scary Train Boy", starts a conversation and won't shut up. And on my very quiet train, he's talking very, very loud about everything from comic books (I kid you not) to one night stands. And since I painted the picture of him for you, do you honestly think he's had a one night stand? He then starts asking me if I have a boyfriend to which I respond, "YES. A very SERIOUS boyfriend, who is very aggressive". Now my fellow commuters are starting to snicker and look at us, and I'm mortified - I have a reputation to maintain on the Metra, you know.

I'm not rude and if you remember a recent post, I'm nice to a fault, but as the time ticked with "Scary Train Boy", I became downright rude. I would put my earphones back on as he was talking - did that stop him, no? I then text my mom to "please call me", so I could excuse myself to answer a very important call who was just my very confused mother on the other line. The train was packed, I was sitting by the window, I was trapped and of course, his stop was AFTER mine.

This was the first, but not the last time I encountered "Scary Train Boy". About once a month, he'll pop up on my train and somehow happen to find me. I now have a system down - if the train isn't crowded, I'll say that I was just getting up because a friend just called to say that they were sitting in the back of the train and I invited me to sit with them. Or, if the train is crowded, I'll text my mom, "STB", and she'll call me to chat for the next 60 minutes - God bless that woman.

So I guess the point of this long, hopefully funny, story is to bring to every one's attention the interesting social world we live in. Even if you don't commute everyday like I do, I'm sure you've experienced your own little microcosm of social behavior and I know that everyone has witnessed public etiquette gone very, very bad. So when you're standing in line at Starbucks, take a look around and you'll notice a well oiled machine of activity and those who don't know the "rules" stand out and annoy you to no end. Hopefully, "Scary Train Boy" doesn't happen to be in that line asking you obscenely inappropriate questions.

If you have your own stories of socially dysfunctional people, I'd love for you share them!