May your stockings be full, your fruit cakes fruity and your time off enjoyed!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
Showing posts with label The Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Holidays. Show all posts
Friday, December 21, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Ugly Christmas Sweater - Your Joke, Someone Else's Favorite Outfit
As the holiday season rolls on, a few of my friends have gone to “Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties”... you know, those parties that require you to put on your holiday finest, shoulder pads and all. There you stand, winter cocktail in hand, sporting a wool blend died a vibrant red and green with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer smiling at fellow party goers who have also adorned themselves in pure holiday tackiness.
These parties always make for a good, festive laugh, but the more pictures I see of my friends wearing obnoxious, oversized Christmas sweaters (paired with equally obnoxious jingle bell accessories), I wonder what the people who SERIOUSLY wear those ugly Christmas sweaters think about the drunken mocking of their fashion sense, because to them, those sweaters aren’t ugly, they are pieces of holiday spirit embodied in the form of a turtle neck or cardigan, something to be cherished and not ridiculed.
I personally was once a proud owner of an infamous “ugly Christmas sweater” and at the time (circa 1995) I would have been considered a part of the “serious” Christmas sweater wearing population. My fashion ode to the holiday was a cardigan made of a heavy wool, died a kelly green, adorned with little bears wearing Santa hats throwing snowballs at one another, which were represented in high-tech 3D with little cotton balls glued onto the fabric. Those interactive snowballs really made the sweater - what a cutting edge look.
As I wore my Christmas sweater with pride that year, I don’t think I would have ever guessed that I would be digging for it over a decade later just to mock it. If I had grown up to be the type of person who found Christmas sweaters as an appropriate fashion statement, I think I would be down right offended by those who hosted parties poking fun at my decision to wear snowball-throwing bears in homage of the season. (Unfortunately, I recently remembered that I had willingly donated my festive sweater to charity a few years back, so although I won’t be a hit at any upcoming holiday gathering, at least I can take solace in knowing that I made someone a lot less fortunate, a lot more tacky.)
A friend of mine, who recently donned a tacky ensemble for an “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party”, showed her mom the obnoxious garb she was planning to wear and her mom’s response? “I don’t get it.” Her mom found the sweater to be “cute” and “seasonal”; however, my friend would be sporting this “cute”, “seasonal” sweater to a gathering of people intoxicated by large quantities of egg nog and peppermint Schnapps, which would only help fuel the jokes that serious ugly Christmas sweater wearers must endure behind their bright, gaudy, holiday infused backs.
I feel that those people who wear holiday sweaters are similar to those people who are keeping the mullet alive, but fortunately enough, ugly Christmas sweater wearers only fall victim to fashion during the holidays, while mullet models tend to display their allegiance to the “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle 365 days a year. But who I am to judge?! I’m sure somewhere there is party being hosted right now by ugly Christmas sweater wearing/mullet sporting people who find my conservative tastes more bland than a wool holiday cardigan not wired with blinking lights.
So whatever you do, please wear your holiday sweaters responsibly this season and remember that what is your joke, may be someone’s favorite outfit. And to whoever is wearing my wool, snowball-throwing bear cardigan this holiday, please be as kind to it as it was to me.
These parties always make for a good, festive laugh, but the more pictures I see of my friends wearing obnoxious, oversized Christmas sweaters (paired with equally obnoxious jingle bell accessories), I wonder what the people who SERIOUSLY wear those ugly Christmas sweaters think about the drunken mocking of their fashion sense, because to them, those sweaters aren’t ugly, they are pieces of holiday spirit embodied in the form of a turtle neck or cardigan, something to be cherished and not ridiculed.
I personally was once a proud owner of an infamous “ugly Christmas sweater” and at the time (circa 1995) I would have been considered a part of the “serious” Christmas sweater wearing population. My fashion ode to the holiday was a cardigan made of a heavy wool, died a kelly green, adorned with little bears wearing Santa hats throwing snowballs at one another, which were represented in high-tech 3D with little cotton balls glued onto the fabric. Those interactive snowballs really made the sweater - what a cutting edge look.
As I wore my Christmas sweater with pride that year, I don’t think I would have ever guessed that I would be digging for it over a decade later just to mock it. If I had grown up to be the type of person who found Christmas sweaters as an appropriate fashion statement, I think I would be down right offended by those who hosted parties poking fun at my decision to wear snowball-throwing bears in homage of the season. (Unfortunately, I recently remembered that I had willingly donated my festive sweater to charity a few years back, so although I won’t be a hit at any upcoming holiday gathering, at least I can take solace in knowing that I made someone a lot less fortunate, a lot more tacky.)
A friend of mine, who recently donned a tacky ensemble for an “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party”, showed her mom the obnoxious garb she was planning to wear and her mom’s response? “I don’t get it.” Her mom found the sweater to be “cute” and “seasonal”; however, my friend would be sporting this “cute”, “seasonal” sweater to a gathering of people intoxicated by large quantities of egg nog and peppermint Schnapps, which would only help fuel the jokes that serious ugly Christmas sweater wearers must endure behind their bright, gaudy, holiday infused backs.
I feel that those people who wear holiday sweaters are similar to those people who are keeping the mullet alive, but fortunately enough, ugly Christmas sweater wearers only fall victim to fashion during the holidays, while mullet models tend to display their allegiance to the “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle 365 days a year. But who I am to judge?! I’m sure somewhere there is party being hosted right now by ugly Christmas sweater wearing/mullet sporting people who find my conservative tastes more bland than a wool holiday cardigan not wired with blinking lights.
So whatever you do, please wear your holiday sweaters responsibly this season and remember that what is your joke, may be someone’s favorite outfit. And to whoever is wearing my wool, snowball-throwing bear cardigan this holiday, please be as kind to it as it was to me.
Friday, December 7, 2007
The Blog Must Go On!
My loyal readers and fans (all 12 of you) -
As you may have noticed, my recent posts have not been as frequent nor have they been as clever and thought provoking as past entries (okay, I know my posts aren't THAT great, but admit it, you've had some good laughs over the past couple months listening to Stejamoe speak - am I right? Am I right? Huh?).
I must confess that the past couple of weeks have been an tornado of wrapping paper, work deadlines, gift basket making, snow advisories and car issues, which have kept me from thinking about anything clever, consequently preventing me from cleverly blogging! However, adding to my whirlwind of stresses, are the constant reminders I get from you, my loyal readers and fans, that the show must go on and demand to be entertained!
So to satiate some your appetites for the weekend, I must take the easy way out and share something I received via email that gave me a good giggle. I promise I will be back in action and better than ever soon!
(My personal favorite is #6)
-------------------------------------------------------
Ten Rules for Getting Through the Holidays:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can; and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,eggnog in the other, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO what a ride!"
As you may have noticed, my recent posts have not been as frequent nor have they been as clever and thought provoking as past entries (okay, I know my posts aren't THAT great, but admit it, you've had some good laughs over the past couple months listening to Stejamoe speak - am I right? Am I right? Huh?).
I must confess that the past couple of weeks have been an tornado of wrapping paper, work deadlines, gift basket making, snow advisories and car issues, which have kept me from thinking about anything clever, consequently preventing me from cleverly blogging! However, adding to my whirlwind of stresses, are the constant reminders I get from you, my loyal readers and fans, that the show must go on and demand to be entertained!
So to satiate some your appetites for the weekend, I must take the easy way out and share something I received via email that gave me a good giggle. I promise I will be back in action and better than ever soon!
(My personal favorite is #6)
-------------------------------------------------------
Ten Rules for Getting Through the Holidays:
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can; and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,eggnog in the other, body thoroughly used up,totally worn out and screaming"WOO HOO what a ride!"
Friday, November 30, 2007
Elf Yourself!
It was just like any other Monday. I got into work, signed online, checked my personal email... and then was greeted by me and three of my closest friends dressed in elf costumes breaking it down to a holiday tune.
If you haven't tried this yet, you're missing out!
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9615545374
If you haven't tried this yet, you're missing out!
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=9615545374
Monday, November 12, 2007
On the 60th Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me...
It's mid-November. Trees are changing colors, families are preparing for big Thanksgiving dinners, football season is in full swing, and "White Christmas" blasts from the radio - wait. White Christmas?
Its seems that every year Christmas starts earlier and earlier, and before I've even put on my turkey-eating pants and pilgrim bonnet, I'm rocking out to "Jingle to Bells" on the radio and getting hot flashes in department stores that are swarming with pre-holiday shoppers. I recently read in the Chicago Tribune that due to rising housing costs and gas topping $3 a gallon, retailers have started the winter season "early" to encourage more sales over the longer period of time - as if offering Christmas sales two weeks earlier than normal will make people forget about taxes, energy costs and gas. Or will it? I recently filled up on $3.19/gallon gas just to join all the fruitcakes and nutcrackers at the mall for some great deals, and to celebrate those deals, I treated myself to a $4.50 Starbucks Peppermint Mocha, a holiday edition drink, of course.
With or without troubling economic times, I feel like the winter holiday season makes up 9 out of the 12 months of the year, and as retailers have taken it upon themselves to defy time and nature, I seem to feel like a majority of my life is spent preparing for, then enjoying, then finally recovering from the holiday. I think this feeling is shared by many, especially those who are constantly a holiday host finding themselves cooking, organizing, decorating, wrapping, spending, crying, burning... the list of "-ing"s goes on. The early onset of Jingle Bells leads to one big Jingle HELL as those who find the holidays stressful to begin with, begin to twitch like an anxiety ridden elf as Santa shows up at the mall before the Thanksgiving menu is even planned.
For me to admit that I'm all about officially starting the holiday season after Thanksgiving would be a lie. I will admit that when 93.9 FM started playing Christmas music on November 1st, I tuned in. Gone are the days of Maroon 5, Beyonce and Coldplay - Bing Crosby, Josh Grobin and Nat King Cole now serenade me every morning as I drive my all wheel drive sleigh. So with the support of my radio and the good, money hungry American retailers, Christmas lasts for about 60 days... on the 60th day of Christmas, what do you give your true love?!
For someone like my mom, who seems to be a recurring character in my blog posts (take it as a compliment, Mama P!), you get your love a swift kick in the arse on the 60th day of Christmas and tell them to "get over it". My mom is the perfect example of someone who resents the early arrival of Christmas because to her, the overexposed holiday is beginning to lose all meaning as angry shoppers aggressively push their way through store aisles just to get their grubby hands on gifts that we all know will end up being returned on December 26th, which is an aspect of the holidays that I've grown to detest: "The Day After Christmas Present Return Rush". What's wrong with you people? You so desperately hated that duck sweater you got from Aunt Jean that you must immediately return it or else you'll be naked?! You don't have any other sweaters to cover your cold, ungrateful heart? Oh, I see, you need to make sure you take advantage of all those sales, which just really end up being the returned gifts of strangers who you have no idea where their hands have been.
Present returning aside, what's funny is that, during the holidays, my mom becomes the love child of Scrooge and Martha Stewart. She will host lavish dinners for our close family friends that ooze thought, care and Christmas joy, but during the preparation she is "Sargent Santa" as she instructs her minions to sculpt Christmas trees out of butter sticks and fold napkins into a Nativity scenes as she tirelessly toils over the perfect bow. Throughout the preparation she utters at least a few times that "Christmas comes too early", "Why does it feel that we were just hosting a holiday party?", or my favorite, "You're not sculpting those butter sticks fast enough and are ruining Christmas... again". Okay, the last one is stretch, but my poor mother is so tainted by the early onset of the holidays, that her normal sweet, gracious demeanor turns bitter and raw.
My mom isn't the only one who feels that holidays aren't what they used to be and ends up resenting the early arrival of twinkling lights instead of embracing them. I agree that as I've gotten older, I've come to realize the stress that comes with the season because gone are the days of a $1/week allowance and letters to Santa. Now, as an "adult", my family knows that I spend my days working at a real job, which in turn gives me real money, so noodle necklaces for gifts don't quite cut it any more, and I unfortunately found out last year that Santa does not truly exist, and a piece of holiday magic was forever lost.
Its seems that every year Christmas starts earlier and earlier, and before I've even put on my turkey-eating pants and pilgrim bonnet, I'm rocking out to "Jingle to Bells" on the radio and getting hot flashes in department stores that are swarming with pre-holiday shoppers. I recently read in the Chicago Tribune that due to rising housing costs and gas topping $3 a gallon, retailers have started the winter season "early" to encourage more sales over the longer period of time - as if offering Christmas sales two weeks earlier than normal will make people forget about taxes, energy costs and gas. Or will it? I recently filled up on $3.19/gallon gas just to join all the fruitcakes and nutcrackers at the mall for some great deals, and to celebrate those deals, I treated myself to a $4.50 Starbucks Peppermint Mocha, a holiday edition drink, of course.
With or without troubling economic times, I feel like the winter holiday season makes up 9 out of the 12 months of the year, and as retailers have taken it upon themselves to defy time and nature, I seem to feel like a majority of my life is spent preparing for, then enjoying, then finally recovering from the holiday. I think this feeling is shared by many, especially those who are constantly a holiday host finding themselves cooking, organizing, decorating, wrapping, spending, crying, burning... the list of "-ing"s goes on. The early onset of Jingle Bells leads to one big Jingle HELL as those who find the holidays stressful to begin with, begin to twitch like an anxiety ridden elf as Santa shows up at the mall before the Thanksgiving menu is even planned.
For me to admit that I'm all about officially starting the holiday season after Thanksgiving would be a lie. I will admit that when 93.9 FM started playing Christmas music on November 1st, I tuned in. Gone are the days of Maroon 5, Beyonce and Coldplay - Bing Crosby, Josh Grobin and Nat King Cole now serenade me every morning as I drive my all wheel drive sleigh. So with the support of my radio and the good, money hungry American retailers, Christmas lasts for about 60 days... on the 60th day of Christmas, what do you give your true love?!
For someone like my mom, who seems to be a recurring character in my blog posts (take it as a compliment, Mama P!), you get your love a swift kick in the arse on the 60th day of Christmas and tell them to "get over it". My mom is the perfect example of someone who resents the early arrival of Christmas because to her, the overexposed holiday is beginning to lose all meaning as angry shoppers aggressively push their way through store aisles just to get their grubby hands on gifts that we all know will end up being returned on December 26th, which is an aspect of the holidays that I've grown to detest: "The Day After Christmas Present Return Rush". What's wrong with you people? You so desperately hated that duck sweater you got from Aunt Jean that you must immediately return it or else you'll be naked?! You don't have any other sweaters to cover your cold, ungrateful heart? Oh, I see, you need to make sure you take advantage of all those sales, which just really end up being the returned gifts of strangers who you have no idea where their hands have been.
Present returning aside, what's funny is that, during the holidays, my mom becomes the love child of Scrooge and Martha Stewart. She will host lavish dinners for our close family friends that ooze thought, care and Christmas joy, but during the preparation she is "Sargent Santa" as she instructs her minions to sculpt Christmas trees out of butter sticks and fold napkins into a Nativity scenes as she tirelessly toils over the perfect bow. Throughout the preparation she utters at least a few times that "Christmas comes too early", "Why does it feel that we were just hosting a holiday party?", or my favorite, "You're not sculpting those butter sticks fast enough and are ruining Christmas... again". Okay, the last one is stretch, but my poor mother is so tainted by the early onset of the holidays, that her normal sweet, gracious demeanor turns bitter and raw.
My mom isn't the only one who feels that holidays aren't what they used to be and ends up resenting the early arrival of twinkling lights instead of embracing them. I agree that as I've gotten older, I've come to realize the stress that comes with the season because gone are the days of a $1/week allowance and letters to Santa. Now, as an "adult", my family knows that I spend my days working at a real job, which in turn gives me real money, so noodle necklaces for gifts don't quite cut it any more, and I unfortunately found out last year that Santa does not truly exist, and a piece of holiday magic was forever lost.
But enough about the stress of the holidays! I'm on a mission to enjoy the early onset of "Jingle Bells" because I figured out that you just can't escape it. I have decided to take the agressive pre-holiday shoppers as a sign to make my Christmas memories last, because unlike my noodle necklace making, Santa believing days, the actual moments of joy don't seem to last like they used to. Do you remember how long you waited for December 25th when you were a kid? I used to make a countdown calendar and I felt like that life was moving in a vat of Jell-O as I waited impaitently for Christmas Eve. Now, as an adult, one day I'm listening to "White Christmas" on the radio and the next I'm boxing up ornaments, wearing my duck sweater (what? Unlike you all, I appreciate Aunt Jean's wacky gifts), wishing I could have enjoyed the season just a bit more.
So remember that YOU make the holidays bright and its up to you to ignore those things that bring a dark cloud over your cheer, be it the early Christmas carols on the radio, expensive gifts for relatives you haven't seen since the last holiday season, the pushy bargain hunters or butter sticks shaped like Christmas trees. Don't want to spend a lot of money this year? Don't. Is it pain to cook? Order some food in. No matter what you do, don't be distracted by retailers because the holidays are a time to celebrate, not commiserate.
And to my mom who gets antsy at the sight of garland before Thanksgiving: I hope you know that you make our family's holiday bright with your attention to detail and thoughtfulness and although I complain about sculpting butter, nothing tastes better than a roll buttered with my masterpiece. This year, let's take those things that make you nuts about the holidays and make one damn good fruitcake!
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