No Offense, You Know?

No offense, but I really don’t like when people preface sentences with “no offense”. If you start a statement with that phrase, what you’re really saying to whoever you’re talking to is that what you’re about to spit out will greatly offend them, but because you said “no offense”, they really can’t get mad at you. It’s the proverbial “not it” of the language world.

People who use that phrase almost seem to leverage it to lessen the pain of a rude remark, kind of like mixing medicine into apple sauce to make it go down easier. But for those people who have ever had “no offense, but...” directed at them actually consider the phrase to be the antiseptic wipe right before you feel the pain of a needle – sure, the wipe is nice and cool, but you know what’s coming shortly after and its not going to be fun.

If you’re telling me not be offended, chances are I probably will be, so why insult me with your irony when you should just cut to the chase?

So those are my thoughts on that random, futile “pre” sentence phrase... how about we talk about “post” sentence nonsense like, “you know?” Now that’s another pointless utterance that drives me up a wall because it usually proceeds a confusing/nonsensical statement to signal that the confusing speaker no longer wants to discuss the topic and wants you to ponder the confusing message they just shared.

You will normally hear “you know?” when a person either:

• a) doesn’t want to elaborate any further in fear of insulting you – example? “I just really don’t want your ex-girlfriend there, you know?” Translation? “I really don’t want your ex-girlfriend there because she’s annoying and makes me uncomfortable and I’m angry that you would even suggest she be there”. In this case, the “you know” is understood and I suppose it has eliminated many dramatic confrontations, but I’m all about being honest and if you abuse “you know” in those sensitive situations, you are really just hiding your feelings and you’ll soon be saying, “LISTEN JERK, I HATE YOUR DAMN EX, YOU KNOW???”.
• Or b) doesn’t quite know what to say or do and is confused and hopes you’ll just let it go and figure it out yourself – example? “How about you just do some research, compile it in that report thingy, you know?” Translation? "All I know is that we need to do some research and I'm not sure how to even start it, and I don't even know if we have a report you could repurpose. In fact, I hope you understand it better than I do or just figure it out on your own so I can just walk away now and not feel so dumb." Ugh. That’s the worst use of “you know?” in my book.

And speaking of my book, let me tell you about my own experience with these ineffective phrases. Now don’t get scared, but I had someone use BOTH phrases in ONE sentence... this tale is better left for a late night campfire accompanied with a flashlight held up to my chin, but since I doubt I’ll be roasting marsh mellows with you all around a bond fire anytime soon, I shall divulge the details now...

Someone recently said to me, “No offense, but I just think you’re too serious, you know?” Wow. That’s like mixing medicine in my applesauce, right before you give me a shot, followed by a kick in the stomach. Ouch. This statement drove me crazy because this person assumed I would be offended by being told I was “serious”. Since when is being “serious” a really bad thing? And on top of that, I don’t think I’m serious (this person obviously doesn’t read my blog), so the “you know?” really left me confused because guess what? I DON’T know what you’re talking about and if I asked this person to explain themselves, they would be tongue tied and probably wet themselves.

So, I took this terribly ineffectual comment with a grain of salt and decided it was a compliment because let’s face it, those people who purposely offend you and then can’t explain themselves are most likely just threatened by you or stupid or a combination of both.

So no offense, but how about we all just say what we mean and mean what we say, you know?

Uncomfortable Fridays

I think whoever it was in Corporate America who decided that wearing jeans on Friday would be some kind of privilege must have been wearing sweat pants at the time. Let’s get real, people - if you’re a woman who appreciates good, trendy denim, than you KNOW wearing jeans is not a blessing, it’s a curse.

Jeans are hands down the one clothing item that everyone hates, but yet why are they embraced at work as a symbol of relaxation? Today my company allowed us to wear jeans (I know, I know its Monday... how scandalous!) and let me tell you, I’m everything BUT relaxed. My “work” pants consist of wide legged, high wasted trousers that are far more comfortable than my tight butted, low rise jeans. As I sit here typing, I can feel my jeans digging into the stomach fat that I normally can tuck away in my normal work garb.

You ask, “if you are so confined by your trendy jeans, why don’t you buy more comfortable ones, Stejamoe?” Sure, I’ll wear comfortable Lee jeans with a high waste, wide butt and tapered leg and then you can call me “mom”. No thanks.

So here’s my dilemma - wear your corporate pants which are ultimately more comfortable five days a week and get seen as uptight, but wear jeans on casual Friday and truly be uptight because your pants are well... TIGHT.

When I think casual and comfortable, I think sweat pants – so what about making casual Fridays into sweat/stretch pant Friday? No? Then tell me what’s the difference between wearing something to work you’d normally wear to bed or for lounging and wearing an uncomfortable fabric that you’ll find in every hick bar across America? Personally, I think the former is not only more comfortable, but less tacky.

So sit on that casual thought for a while... and while you sit on it, I’ll be sitting at work pretending that I’m comfortable.

Never Underestimate a Tuesday

If you were to be any day of the week, what would you be? At first thought, I bet you’d NEVER be Tuesday. Think about it... everyone hates Monday because it’s the start of the week, but at least it’s a powerful day regardless of its negative connotation. Wednesday is “hump day” – how fun is that? This day has its own nickname, thus a beloved addition to the calendar and represents the light at the end of the work week tunnel. Thursday is the “cool kid” on the block as it’s known by many as “Thirsty Thursday” and the preliminary start of the weekend... once you hit Thursday, you know Friday is right around the corner. And Friday. God bless Friday. What a day. You may still have a job to do but you can hear the weekend knocking and if you work, you know that Friday is always a slow, mellow day in the office (not my office per say, but I’ve heard rumors that low-key Fridays do exist). Saturday is Saturday. Enough said. And Sunday is not only holy, but also is the quintessential “school night”.

So what’s Tuesday other than boring? What a random day. It’s not bad or good. It just sits there after the most hated day of the week and waits to introduce hump day. Talk about being a red headed step child.

However, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s to never take a single day for granted and to never underestimate the importance of a Tuesday. Heck, I would even venture to say that I would willingly identify with a Tuesday because the red headed step child day of the week has changed my life.

It was a Tuesday night during the April of my sophomore year at college and I was living every young man’s dream – I was calling a house packed with sorority girls my home, participating in occasional pillow fights and gossiping all night long, scantily clad in boy shorts and a tank top (only some of that is true, and to avoid crushing teenage boys dreams everywhere, I won’t divulge which parts).

I remember this specific Tuesday night so well. Earlier that evening I took a run through campus listening to my Discman – yes, this was the PRE-iPod era – and I remember later that night I wore cropped jeans with one of those ponchos that were so popular at the time – the ones that went over your head and ultimately looked like you were trying to hide a good 50 lbs of weight. That night our house cook made spaghetti for dinner paired with a terrible Oreo cheesecake for dessert. I remember this specific Tuesday night so well.

This specific Tuesday night, my sorority was hosting a dinner for a fraternity that just established itself on campus. Like any good sorority girls, we needed to be cordial and invite these young men to our house to make a good impression, which would consequently lead them to believe that our house was THE best house with THE best girls and maintain our competitive advantage in the Greek system – ah, those were some good, shallow times. And on this specific Tuesday night, I met someone very special.

Fast forward four years.

It was a Tuesday night during the April of my sophomore year of life (aka, two years out of college) and I remember this specific Tuesday night so well. Just like that Tuesday night four year ago, I remember what I wore, what I ate and what I did that day. The special someone who I met just four years prior, was with me this Tuesday night, but instead of sitting across from me at a sorority dinner, he was on one knee asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. I'll remember this specific Tuesday forever.

As I begin to plan my life with this person, I look forward to EVERY single day, because I know that each day can bring something exciting. Based on my experience, I’ve promised myself to not fear Mondays and wish for Saturdays, but to embrace the entire week because you never know what life changing moment can happen on a boring Tuesday night.