This will be my first Halloween as a home owner, thus my first Halloween encountering my very own trick-or-treaters, and to be honest, I’m a bit nervous. Being relatively young myself, I’m surprised at how cynical I am when it comes to teenagers as I’m 99% sure that a twerpy 17 year old will attempt to TP my house or smash one of my pumpkins on October 31st. Little jerks.
Oh, but don’t you worry about me… I’ve been known to chase punks down on foot and scare the crap out them when they think I’m just an innocent girl waiting to be terrorized… but that’s another story for another time…
Anyway, something that I’ve always hated about Halloween is how people, from twerpy teenagers to dirty old men to ditzy girls, feel like they can do anything when they are hiding behind a mask (or in the ditzy girls’ case, when they are wearing a slutty school girl outfit). I think it’s actually a studied phenomenon that humans get a false sense of protection and security when in disguise inspiring us to do asinine things that we normally wouldn’t do if we took off the clown wig, the scary face paint or the plaid skirt.
I’ll admit that when I was in college celebrating Halloween, I did feel a bit invincible in my costume and thought that I could take an extra shot or win an arm wrestling match against an overweight frat boy. But this false sense of power only left me with a killer hangover and sore arm the next morning, and I’m actually still looking for some of the pride I lost. I learned quickly that you must wear a Halloween costume with caution, but I don’t think the rest of the nation has caught on just quite yet and I have a feeling that I’m going to confront some of those delusional morons who think a Bill Clinton mask means they can get in my face and demand two handfuls of candy… first, aren’t you too old to be trick-or-treating? And I’m a Republican, so you get a toothbrush and floss.
Plus, I HATE being scared. And when I say, “I HATE being scared”, I mean, “I detest any feeling of panic or alarm to the point that I’ll scream if you merely come up to me in a non-sneak up kind of way”. I’m a pansy and I’m not afraid to admit it, so Halloween is my worst nightmare. I was at a pumpkin farm a few weeks ago and refused to go into the Haunted House even though the sign said it was “appropriate for ages 5 and up”… unless I had a 5 year old leading the way, there was no way I was going in there. So as I wait for my trick-or-treaters, I know without a doubt I’ll scream at least a few times when the doorbell rings and jump if someone growls at me even if it’s the little boy dressed like a puppy who’s mom tells him to “bark for the nice lady”… if you played that bark backwards, I bet you’d hear some satanic messages… I’m just saying.
I have toiled over the idea to just jump ship and turn off all my lights in hopes that trick-or-treaters will just move onto the next house, but if I did that, I’d be missing out on one of the privileges I get from being a home owner. I’m not paying a mortgage for nothing, you know. I want to have the full experience even if that means I have to prepare myself for mischievous twerps and I think I have an advantage that other homes in my area don’t have… Am I an actual home owning adult or just a young chick home from college? Dun... dun... DUN.
You see, I’m still young enough to actually be mistaken as a peer to one of these twerpy, terrorizing jerks and that, my friends, may just terrorize THEM. Adolescent boys fear embarrassing themselves in front of young woman more than I fear a 5 years and older haunted house, so I’m going to confidently open my door, stare those kids right into their masked eyes and dare them to get in my face, because I’m not a mom, I’m a mysterious “older girl” who could ruin their reputations.
So to all you boys preparing to scare or punk me this Halloween, be afraid, be very afraid because I just might have the power to spread rumors about you to the hot young things in school girl outfits that go to your high school… or if nothing else I’ll just chase you down until you pee your pants or cry, whichever comes first.
Oh, but don’t you worry about me… I’ve been known to chase punks down on foot and scare the crap out them when they think I’m just an innocent girl waiting to be terrorized… but that’s another story for another time…
Anyway, something that I’ve always hated about Halloween is how people, from twerpy teenagers to dirty old men to ditzy girls, feel like they can do anything when they are hiding behind a mask (or in the ditzy girls’ case, when they are wearing a slutty school girl outfit). I think it’s actually a studied phenomenon that humans get a false sense of protection and security when in disguise inspiring us to do asinine things that we normally wouldn’t do if we took off the clown wig, the scary face paint or the plaid skirt.
I’ll admit that when I was in college celebrating Halloween, I did feel a bit invincible in my costume and thought that I could take an extra shot or win an arm wrestling match against an overweight frat boy. But this false sense of power only left me with a killer hangover and sore arm the next morning, and I’m actually still looking for some of the pride I lost. I learned quickly that you must wear a Halloween costume with caution, but I don’t think the rest of the nation has caught on just quite yet and I have a feeling that I’m going to confront some of those delusional morons who think a Bill Clinton mask means they can get in my face and demand two handfuls of candy… first, aren’t you too old to be trick-or-treating? And I’m a Republican, so you get a toothbrush and floss.
Plus, I HATE being scared. And when I say, “I HATE being scared”, I mean, “I detest any feeling of panic or alarm to the point that I’ll scream if you merely come up to me in a non-sneak up kind of way”. I’m a pansy and I’m not afraid to admit it, so Halloween is my worst nightmare. I was at a pumpkin farm a few weeks ago and refused to go into the Haunted House even though the sign said it was “appropriate for ages 5 and up”… unless I had a 5 year old leading the way, there was no way I was going in there. So as I wait for my trick-or-treaters, I know without a doubt I’ll scream at least a few times when the doorbell rings and jump if someone growls at me even if it’s the little boy dressed like a puppy who’s mom tells him to “bark for the nice lady”… if you played that bark backwards, I bet you’d hear some satanic messages… I’m just saying.
I have toiled over the idea to just jump ship and turn off all my lights in hopes that trick-or-treaters will just move onto the next house, but if I did that, I’d be missing out on one of the privileges I get from being a home owner. I’m not paying a mortgage for nothing, you know. I want to have the full experience even if that means I have to prepare myself for mischievous twerps and I think I have an advantage that other homes in my area don’t have… Am I an actual home owning adult or just a young chick home from college? Dun... dun... DUN.
You see, I’m still young enough to actually be mistaken as a peer to one of these twerpy, terrorizing jerks and that, my friends, may just terrorize THEM. Adolescent boys fear embarrassing themselves in front of young woman more than I fear a 5 years and older haunted house, so I’m going to confidently open my door, stare those kids right into their masked eyes and dare them to get in my face, because I’m not a mom, I’m a mysterious “older girl” who could ruin their reputations.
So to all you boys preparing to scare or punk me this Halloween, be afraid, be very afraid because I just might have the power to spread rumors about you to the hot young things in school girl outfits that go to your high school… or if nothing else I’ll just chase you down until you pee your pants or cry, whichever comes first.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
